Sometimes the smallest words reveal the biggest assumptions.
Before you answer the title of this article, stop for just a second.
Whose life is it?
It sounds like an obvious question.
Of course it’s theirs.
The person receiving supports is the one living the life. They’re the one making memories, building relationships, celebrating birthdays, chasing dreams, and making choices.
At least…that’s what we’d all say.
But if someone listened to the language we use every day, would they come to the same conclusion?
The Cracker Test
Let me paint a picture.
Imagine you’re a 43-year-old woman.
You’ve celebrated birthdays, paid bills, voted in elections, laughed with friends, experienced heartbreak, and built a lifetime of memories.
Now imagine a brand-new staff member—19 years old and only on the job for three days—walks into the office and proudly says:
“I’m going to let her have a snack.”
Really?
You’re going to let her?
Thanks for allowing a 43-year-old woman to have crackers and juice.
It sounds funny when we say it out loud.
But it also makes us stop and ask a much bigger question.
Who owns this life?
Small Words…Big Messages
Most of us don’t intentionally use words like allow or let because we want control.
They’re simply words we’ve heard throughout the field.
They’ve become part of our everyday vocabulary.
But language has a funny way of revealing how we think.
When we say:
“We’re allowing him to visit his friend.”
or…
“She’s not allowed to…”
or…
“We decided she wasn’t ready…”
Without realizing it, we’ve quietly shifted ownership of someone else’s life onto ourselves.
The words make it sound like we’re the ones granting permission.
That isn’t partnership.
That’s control.
A Different Way to Think
Now imagine those same situations from a different perspective.
Instead of…
“I’m going to let John have lunch with his friend.”
What if we simply said…
“John is meeting his friend for lunch today.”
Instead of…
“We’re allowing her to go shopping.”
What if we said…
“She’s going shopping this afternoon, and I’ll be supporting her.”
The event didn’t change.
The relationship did.
One sentence places the staff member at the center of the story.
The other keeps the person receiving services where they belong—at the center of their own life.
Support Doesn’t Mean Ownership
One of the biggest mindset shifts in Person-Centered Thinking is recognizing that support does not equal ownership.
We’re invited into someone’s life.
We don’t own it.
We’re there to encourage, coach, teach, advocate, problem-solve, and provide support when it’s needed.
But the life we’re supporting still belongs to the person.
That’s an important distinction.
Because when we begin thinking that someone needs our permission to live their own life, we’ve unintentionally crossed a line.
The goal of support has never been to take control.
The goal has always been to help people have greater control over their own lives.
From Power Over to Power With
This is where Person-Centered Thinking introduces an important idea.
Power Over happens when decisions are made for someone, when permission replaces partnership, and when support slowly becomes control.
Power With looks different.
It asks questions instead of making assumptions.
It invites collaboration instead of giving directions.
It recognizes that the person is the expert on their own life.
Sometimes the difference between Power Over and Power With isn’t found in a policy.
Sometimes it’s found in a single word.
Take a few moments to think about these questions.
- Do I ever use words like allow, let, or permission without realizing it?
- When I talk about the people I support, who sounds like they’re making the decisions?
- Do my words reflect partnership or ownership?
- What’s one language shift I can make this week that better reflects the person being in charge of their own life?
Putting It Into Practice
Over the next few days, pay attention to your own language.
Not to judge yourself.
Simply to notice.
Listen for words like allow, let, we decided, or they’re not ready.
When you hear them, pause and ask yourself one simple question:
“Whose life am I talking about?”
You might be surprised how often a small change in language creates a much bigger change in perspective.
Because Person-Centered Thinking isn’t just about choosing better words.
It’s about remembering who the life belongs to.
Want to Learn More?
Person-Centered Thinking challenges us to move beyond simply providing services and toward building true partnerships with the people we support.
If you’d like to learn more about Person-Centered Thinking or attend one of our upcoming trainings, I’d love to connect with you.
Kurtis Parker
HCBS Coordinator & Certified Person-Centered Thinking Trainer