The most person-centered question we can ask may also be one of the simplest.
For a long time, I thought I was doing the respectful thing.
If someone had a disability, I would intentionally avoid mentioning it. In my mind, I was putting the person before the diagnosis. I figured that if I simply introduced them as “just another person,” I was showing respect.
Then one conversation completely changed the way I think.
A Conversation I’ll Never Forget
I have a friend named Adam.
Adam has Type 1 diabetes, and he’s always been open about it. One day I ran into an old friend from high school named Chandra. As we were catching up, I mentioned Adam.
She looked at me with a puzzled expression.
“I don’t remember him.”
Later that day I told Adam what happened.
He looked genuinely surprised.
“What do you mean she doesn’t remember me?”
Then he started laughing.
“Kurtis…I was the candy man! I always had snacks because of my diabetes. I was literally the kid giving myself insulin shots at school every day. I was the diabetic kid.”
I told him, “Yeah…but I didn’t mention your diabetes. I didn’t know if that was my place. I figured I’d just say Adam.”
I even tried to reassure him.
“Besides…to me, you’re just Adam.”
I’ll never forget his response.
“Dude…you think I’ve spent my whole life battling this disease, taking insulin shots every day, checking my blood sugar, learning how to live with it…just to have that part of my story erased?”
Then he said something that completely changed my perspective.
“Call her back.”
“Tell her I’m the diabetic kid.”
“She’ll know exactly who you’re talking about.”
I Thought I Was Being Respectful
That conversation caught me completely off guard.
I thought I was honoring Adam by avoiding his disability.
Adam felt like I was leaving out an important part of who he was.
His diabetes wasn’t something he wanted hidden.
It wasn’t something he was ashamed of.
It was part of his story.
Part of what had shaped him.
Part of what had made him resilient.
And he wanted people to know that.
That’s when I realized something important.
Respect isn’t deciding how someone should be described.
Respect is allowing people to decide that for themselves.
There Isn’t One Right Answer
In disability services, we sometimes spend a lot of time trying to figure out the “correct” language.
Should we say person with autism?
Or autistic person?
Should we use person-first language?
Or identity-first language?
The truth is…
You’ll find people who strongly prefer both.
Some people want their disability mentioned because it’s an important part of who they are.
Others would rather it not be the first thing people know about them.
Neither perspective is automatically right.
Because the right answer belongs to the person.
The most person-centered thing we can do isn’t assume.
It’s ask.
Labels Don’t Tell the Whole Story
There are other words we use that deserve a second look.
Take the phrase low functioning.
I’ve always wondered…
Where exactly is this mysterious functioning line?
Who decided where it belongs?
Did they hold a meeting somewhere and forget to invite the rest of us?
Am I above it?
Below it?
Hanging off the side?
When we stop and think about it, labels like low functioning don’t actually tell us very much.
They don’t tell us what someone enjoys.
They don’t tell us what they’re good at.
They don’t tell us what support they need.
They don’t tell us what makes them laugh.
They simply place an incredibly complex human being into a category.
Person-Centered Thinking encourages us to do something better.
Instead of reducing someone to a label, describe the person.
“They communicate using an iPad.”
“They thrive with structure.”
“They love helping others.”
“They enjoy being around people.”
Those descriptions actually tell us something meaningful.
Curiosity Is More Powerful Than Assumption
One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is the opportunity to tell their own story.
Not the story we assume.
Not the story written in an assessment.
Not the story told by a diagnosis.
Their story.
Sometimes the most respectful question we can ask is simply:
“How would you like me to describe you?”
That one question communicates something powerful.
“I see you.”
“Your voice matters.”
“You get to decide.”
And isn’t that what Person-Centered Thinking has been about all along?
Take a few moments to consider these questions.
- Have I ever assumed how someone wanted to be described without asking?
- Do I tend to focus on labels, or on learning who the person is?
- Am I describing people based on what I notice about them, or what they want others to know about them?
- What might change if I simply asked, “How would you like me to describe you?”
Putting It Into Practice
The next time you’re introducing someone or talking about the person you support, pause for a moment before you speak.
Ask yourself:
“Am I describing this person the way I think they should be described…or the way they would choose to describe themselves?”
Sometimes the most person-centered thing we can do isn’t finding the perfect words.
It’s giving people the opportunity to choose them for themselves.
Want to Learn More?
Person-Centered Thinking reminds us that every person is the expert on their own life—including how they choose to be known.
If you’d like to learn more about Person-Centered Thinking or attend one of our upcoming trainings, I’d love to connect with you.
Kurtis Parker
HCBS Coordinator & Certified Person-Centered Thinking Trainer